Muskoka Recovery: Matt’s Story
Matt
Growing up I suffered from grave emotional suppression. Over the years from teenage years to my late 20s, I used drugs and alcohol as way to cope with misunderstood emotions and prompting life events. I used first large amounts of weed, some MDMA, mushrooms, a lot of alcohol, cocaine and speed pills. My use progressed from one substance to another. In my mid-20s I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I was quick to become hopeful that the medication alone would fix all my issues. However, in my mid-20s is when I became highly addicted to cocaine and speed pills. Before Muskoka I tried to quit twice on my own, with the longest period being 6 months until a life event came up that I wasn’t equipped to emotionally handle. During that time, I did nothing to try to address the underlying issues that drove me to use. In the Big Book there is a quote “half measures availed us nothing,” and for me just stopping my substance use was only half of the problem.
Years of living with poor emotional coping skills, communication skills and the inability to know how to help myself drove me to a state of desperation and wishing death on myself. I tried to kill myself when I was 18 with CO2 poisoning and wishing many times in my life that there would just be a button to press to end my life. I was at my bottom I didn’t know what else to do. With a marriage on its final strand (which ended up ending) I began looking into treatment centers as I could not think of any other way to help myself. I reached out to 15 treatment centers, but Muskoka, ESPECIALLY Christine was willing and more than accommodating to my needs and her understanding of my desperation. Muskoka stood out to me by the fact that they were situated on a beautiful plot of land which allowed me to spend the time in tranquility to process the trauma I’ve been through due to my use and mental illness. The private rooms and washrooms as well as the pool, hot tub, sauna and cold plunge were also very attractive to me. In addition, there option to stay for 45 days of treatment, which I took and would highly suggest.
I don’t know, and don’t want to think of where I’d be right now if it wasn’t for Muskoka Recovery. The teamed opened my eyes to poison my mind was feeding itself. The constant insecurities, self hate, self pity, false pride and the emotional dam I’ve built up over the years. I used drugs and alcohol as an escape from my emotions and life situations. The treatment was around 4-6 hours a day of learning coping skills. I was hesitant when I heard about the classroom, but this is where I learned the most important skills. I call it a ‘class’, but it was very interactive which each counsellor and the other clients contributing to discussions/activities. I was using my mind in ways I never have before and often felt mentally exhausted by Wednesday from how much introspection and knowledge I was acquiring. The members of the team clearly had only one objective, each client’s recovery. We had 1 on 1s with Amy, Damien and Jacob. Each one having a different style to helping me, help myself. I think each style was crucial to my recovery and wellness, and extremely helpful. This is not 12 step program, but Damien is a firm believer in the practices of 12 step style recovery programs. I am now also. We attended 2 off site meetings a week. I think rehabs should focus on the the therapy side of things with some 12 step and push the importance of 12 steps as well. As Muskoka recovery does it.
Each day I woke up 8:30 a.m. began my day with prayer (a key component to my recovery) and reading, which was a new hobby I had started in my recovery. At 9 a.m. we were served a gourmet breakfast from the professional chef that worked there. Class would begin at 10 a.m. which would go till about 12 p.m. Another gourmet meal for lunch would begin at 1 p.m. and at 2 p.m. we would be back to class till about 4 p.m. After class we would have time to work on our skills with other clients or simply relax pool side in the hot tub/sauna etc. We would be served dinner at 6 p.m. Throughout the day clients would be pulled aside for 1 on 1s. There was also a masseuse that would come weekly.
The thing I loved the most was the non-militant schedule, some days there would be more content to go through, some days there would be less. All the lessons were based on the needs of the clients and it did not follow a cookie cutter format. Weekends were free time for the clients, this is where I think my greatest growth would come from, this is when my mind would wander and where my weaknesses would take hold. With no class I had plenty of time for self pity and emotional dysregulation. This was a taste of real life outside the center. In these times I learned with the help of staff to identify these trains of thought and to stick to facts and skills to help myself. Muskoka Recovery gave me the arsenal to fight the battle of life with confidence and peace.
Damien and I became close during my time at Muskoka, I’ve never spoken to someone who has understood me so well and the struggles I was having. Damien never told me what I wanted to hear. He told me what I needed to hear. I was so broken and so desperate for change that these things were the things that allowed me to target and work on what was making me sick. Drug use isn’t the problem. Drug use was a symptom of my sickness. Years of trying to cope with the things I couldn’t understand. Damien made me see clearly where my faults lay. If it weren’t for the help I had in identifying these faults, I don’t believe I would still be sober today and If I was sober, I would be right on the edge of a breakdown. My mind is now strong, my mind is aware of the signs. My mind is also now clear of the terrors it once held over me. Damien was easy to talk to and relate to. He hosted karaoke nights for us, where for the first time I did karaoke. Things like these fun activities were a helpful part of my recovery. Taking myself too seriously was one thing that hurt me. Singing Before He Cheats by Carrie Underwood (at an ungodly volume), is the definition of not taking myself seriously, which freed me. In sobriety and with a clear mind I was able to have free will again, not every move controlled by a substance. Damien continued to help me after I left. Hosting aftercare Mondays and being available via text or phone call to assist me. Damien saved me while in is presence and while also 1,200 km away. Thank you, Damien, thank you for your love and your belief and dedication to helping me. I am a free man for the first time in 28 years.
Christine was the person I first got in contact with about Muskoka Recovery. She was empathetic to my pain and confusion. She worked with me to make sure I got the best treatment plan for myself. During our drive from Pearson airport to Muskoka she told me her story of her recovery, her challenges and her pain she endured. She spoke of it freely; she spoke of it with strength. Strength, that I wanted, self love that I wanted. She was first glimpse of hope, and I held on to the hope as tightly as I could. There was hope for me, there was a future, a better healthier future. How could someone who has been through so much be driving me to rehab, is what I thought. While at the center there were times I was in complete emotional despair, I didn’t want to hold on anymore, I felt I couldn’t go on. Christine saw this and took me aside and helped me with love compassion and skills. She introduced me to the helpfulness of journalling. This skill helped me a lot. It continues to help me. It helps me make decisions and to let out the suffering I have inside. It brings me peace and understanding.
The most important thing I’ve learned at Muskoka Recovery was that I am sick, and I am okay with that and fighting this battle alone isn’t possible. Sickness is a gift, all roads led to this exact moment. I am grateful for that. Every mistake I made was a mistake made to guide me to a rebirth of someone I had only dreamed of. It taught me that my selfish ways and that the fake mask everyday was making me sicker. It taught me that I am emotional, and that emotions are okay, they are celebration of what makes us human and life. While at Muskoka Recovery, I’ve finally been able to let these emotions out. I cry harder than I’ve ever cried in my life when its needed. I laugh harder than I’ve ever laugh. I sing, I dance, I embrace the many beautiful things that make me, Matt. I love myself I’m not ashamed of who I am. I don’t fear the uncertainties of life. I help people and they help me. I care for the ones around me. I am clear headed, I am authentic with people, I’m vulnerable with people. This vulnerability has allowed me to build relationships that I’ve never had before. The connection I feel with these people is unmeasurable, its so grand. This is who I am as a person and not everyone will accept me for that, but the days of moulding myself into what everyone else wants are gone. I am who I am, and I celebrate it, and I love it. Theres no right way for me to live my life, there’s no wrong way. I live it with love, acceptance and compassion. I live a free man.
Anyone who is reading this, who is tired of being tired. Tired of being scared. Tired of something controlling your every decision and move. You may be feeling as sick, as I was. I’ve only ever been to Muskoka Recovery. I don’t know what others (rehabs) are like. I do know what I once was once and what I am today. I know that I went to Muskoka Recovery and a version of my self dissolved at the front door, and the version that walked out was something people did not recognize. I’ve been asked many times since treatment, who is this (new) Matt? That has been the greatest gift Muskoka Recovery has given me. If you think you need help, then you most certainly do. There is a version of yourself that is ready to see the light. My only advice is so desperate to take any advice given to you, be willing to get uncomfortable to find comfort. To lower all the walls that you built to “protect” yourself, because they are what are killing you. Hold your hand out and ask for help. Its not weakness but one of the strongest things a person could do. You deserve to be happy; this isn’t easy I know. But I know its worth it. I know what I have now and I would not give it away for anything in this world. I know who I am for once in my lifetime.
